Take your pills
Drink your water
Dream of Sleep
Here I lay
Between Wake and Sleep
About to crash
But there we are again
Eyes wide shut
I find myself gasping
As I stay in the void
of My SleepWakeCycle
The dimly lit room
being illuminated by direct sunlight
bursting through the cracks in the walls
You can’t sleep
in lack of, you can’t think
Tired and awake, the entire room explodes
You stand to your feet
You feel the sun’s energy burning inside you
You blink and your vision has changed
And the onset of endless days begin
I am not, by any means a great writer, but I have written privately my whole life. Mostly journaling my days, emotions, and life. Which is why I felt the best step is to just make it public. I have lofty dreams of being a writer someday but for now, this is my dream, to openly and unapologetically put myself out there. I am 27 and child-free by choice. My hobbies vary as I don’t tend to be the same person or mood for long. I do love yoga, hiking, being in nature, being alone, cooking (sometimes), and just being a human being having a human being experience. I’ve more recently been interested in chakras, magick, and pagan beliefs.
Regarding my disorder (I hate that word) I was diagnosed at 16 after going a month without sleep or at very least micro-sleep, which is when you just nod off for a bit. I was never aware that Bipolar ran in my family, as no one talked about it. I began acting oddly. My memories go in and out for that time period but I remember going to a horror film with friends, 30 Days of Night, and I was laughing hysterically. I had to leave the theater and when I did I went into a different theater room and sat down for 15 minutes got up and walked back into the original theater and continued to laugh. I laughed quite a bit during this time, not a cute laugh either, I’m talking full on Joker maniacal laughter. It was as if I had a secret I was keeping from the whole world. I also at this time lost my virginity due to hypersexuality, which is not something talked much about with bipolar disorder. It’s usually only brought up in scenarios when said person with it has cheated. I have not but I can tell you that hypersexuality is its own personal hell. I began stealing from clothing stores. I went to the mall on Black Friday and amidst all the people shopping I was able to steal 4 large bags of clothes. I felt invincible like no one could catch me. I grabbed a scarf put it on in plain sight and left the store. I would tell strangers my name was Jamie. My name is Alicia. It then became even more strange.
I started to feel like I could see the future as if it was being projected to me, mostly garbled though it was. The boy I had dated always drove me to school and back but I got the urge to tell him I would take the bus instead. He didn’t understand and I must have said something (blackout) because he told me we had to leave school right now. We still had 3 hours left to go so I was confused. He drove me to a near by neighborhood and asked me what was happening that’s when the voices started. I could no longer distinguish between his words and theirs. I also began hallucinating so it actually looked like he was saying the words from my mind. I remember feeling like “God” was talking to me and telling me to break up with my boyfriend. I even saw the boy say it (he didn’t really but that’s what I saw) He drove me to my neighborhood we were talking for over 3 and half hours but due to my time lapses, it felt like 10 minutes. Before I got out of the car I told him we needed to break up, he said we will talk later as he had to go to work. I burst into my house my best friend, Kayla, was there waiting; worried. My mother was talking with her as they both turn to me with concern in their eyes. I fell to the ground everything around my sight went into a white fog. I exclaimed, “I just broke up with Jesus!” (It’s okay to laugh a little I still do) I will continue this story on my next post as it does get deeper down the rabbit hole.