It was late when we had arrived. All the other patients were sleeping. The nurses took my vitals, height, weight, and checked me for any bruising and asked me about them. Even though I had no idea where the bruises on my hip and thighs were from, my whole life lead me up to being a proficient liar. I answered, “snowboarding.” They lead me to my room, I believe I had changed into a hospital top and bottoms to sleep in. The room had a window, two beds and an in room bathroom and sink. They told me to keep the door open for rounds. I am so foggy as to if I was given medicine or not and what days were what in there. I can only recall them based on being in that room and being in solitary confinement.
In the original room, I would brush my teeth and feel like they were all falling out into the sink. I remember lying awake thinking about how much I knew about the universe and could remember past lives. And talking with the voices in my head. I got up the next day with all the other kids and exclaimed, “Are we angels?!” Still believing I was dead. One boy mocked, “Maybe you are.” I would say outlandish things like this. I couldn’t contribute in group therapy or even one on one therapy. I couldn’t take showers because I thought the water was electricity. I then started getting worse I remember being in the dining hall, which was a walk through the courtyard away, and I was pouring chocolate milk when the voices told me to leave. I had to leave and go tell other people the things I was seeing. I felt as though I was a messiah and I needed to find another. I ran full speed at two double locked doors and fell to the ground. Mind you at this time I was only 98lbs when my usual weight is between 120-135.
remember seeing family members come and visit but it is hard to remember what they would talk about to me. I remember seeing my older brother and being able to see in his veins and asked him to please stop using drugs. He told me later he wasn’t even on drugs. I started having intense religious visions. I looked out my window and saw planes crashing, cars on fire, people screaming, and demons. I felt like I was seeing the future. (I am not religious but at this time I was afraid of hell) I started to believe anyone with blue eyes was a demon and anyone with brown eyes was an angel. I thought that I and the other kids were angels and we were on the other side and we had to take turns going to earth.
I started yelling again at the voices and eventually was taken to solitary. No one else was in solitary at the time. There were a large room and four smaller rooms I wouldn’t go into the smaller room so they left me in the larger room and left one room open to a bathroom.(I’ll draw a diagram below) I had a sleeping pad on the ground and there were windows to see the orderlies. There was also a skylight I would lay and stare up at. I would believe that it was my grave and I was looking up and out it. I looked in the mirror and my face would change to Egar Allen Poe’s. I yelled all night one night as I saw bodies all around my room and believed the smaller rooms were gas chambers and the orderlies were Nazis. Clearly, I was getting worse.
I started telling the nurses that my dad had tried to kill me when they asked me when or how, I would reply, “God just showed me.” At this time my mother agreed to stay with me for the remainder of the time there. My boyfriend at the time had visited one day. In my extreme delusion, I’m not sure what I did or said. I finally was able to go home earlier than they had wanted me to but my parents signed a waiver to watch me 24/7. It had been 11 days. My best friend was there to get me. I was still delusional I just tried to hide, which was progress in its own right.
Last chapter to come..