By this time I am full on hallucinating both visually and auditory. I see a white fog around my field of vision and everything turns black and white. I ask Kayla and my mother, “Am I dead?” I start thinking about all the ways I could have died up to that point and just didn’t know I was dead. Did I get into an accident with my boyfriend, did he murder me (he was not abusive in any way but this was where my mind went), was I drugged?
Everything began spinning I don’t remember much of that night at all but the next day my mother asked Kayla to stay home with me until I could get an appointment that day with the doctor so she could go to work. I believe both Kayla and my younger brother were there with me. She suggested a movie to calm me. I was tense and holding my knees to my chest on the couch. We put on Swing Kids since it was an extra credit assignment to watch. It seemed as though I was just watching the screen move but nothing was being stored into memory or cognitive thinking. Just images that were forgotten as soon as the next came up. My brother was making some mac and cheese for us and Kayla got up to use the bathroom. Her mother called while she was gone on the home phone. I answered and talked with her what seemed like a normal conversation. As soon as the phone hit the receiver the information was gone. Kayla comes into the room as I’m standing near the phone trying to remember. She asked me what was wrong. I cried. I said, “Your mom called.” She asked, “Okay, what did she say?” I start crying harder things start to black out as I exclaim, “I don’t know!” She tells me it’s okay and she will call her back. My brother brings the mac and cheese but I’m fading in and out.
I don’t remember anything again until my mother arrives home and she and my best friend are taking me to the doctor. We went to my Primary Care Doctor at the time. I’m not sure of my behavior at this point, I only remember feeling dead. I looked into the mirror in the exam room and began pulling at my face. It didn’t feel real. He told my mother that I needed to go to the emergency room and it was out of his expertise. On the drive from the office to the emergency room, something in me snapped. I began screaming at the top of my lungs to stop. I was talking to the auditory hallucinations. I began having a dialogue with them but I can’t remember it now. We arrived at the emergency room, as I am still screaming. They say we have to wait the room is full of people. I am still talking and screaming to myself. Kayla starts crying and tells me she has to go. I believe it was too painful for her to watch. I continued hearing things as people stared at me I could hear their thoughts but I only responded to the internal stimuli I was dealing with. We waited what felt like hours, but time gauging was not my strong suit at this particular moment.
When I was taken back I begged the doctors to drug test me. I had to have been drugged. I must have. There was no other way. They gave me every drug test. They were all negative. I was placed in a solitary room and the nurse was with me. I was waiting for a car to arrive to take myself and another patient to Roseburg where they had an under 18 ward for mentally ill inpatients. The nurse allowed me lay on her lap as she stroked my hair. I asked her, “Have you seen the movie, Sybil?” She replied, “No.” I looked off into the distance of the room and whispered, “That’s who I feel like.” My mother returned to the room and my father. They had something they were eating. The car did not arrive until it was pitch black outside. It had no way to exit from the back seats. It looked like a cop car and they restrained me and another girl into the seats. The whole ride I was thinking about jumping from the car. Still hallucinating I did not say a thing the entire ride, and neither did anyone else. Until we had almost arrived, I turned to the girl and asked intensely, “Did you see that?” I don’t even remember what I had seen but I wanted so desperately for her to validate me but she looked at me the way everyone had been at that point. Sad and scared. We had arrived. To be continued