Winter again.

cold long nights
darkness expands

anxiety
avoidant
drained again
quiet
different
not myself again
[but it is the half of me]
I hide each winter so no one sees
words hit me like knives
everything is personal

paranoid
assuming
isolated again

worst case scenarios play like a metronome

I fight
then give in
then fight
and give in
repeat for the next few months
repeat
repeat
repeat each year.
the only thing that doesn’t get easier with time
or practice
or experience
or preparing
waiting for the darkness to pass
while I watch those around me
notice my change
and I notice my mind
fall into sadness
repeat
repeat
repeat.

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How to be an emotional creature but also not ruin your life.

We can’t control our emotions. No one can. They come in waves or hurricanes. I’ve had times that I felt a slave to mine. I let them control me and blamed them for my actions. I still have my off days but for the most part I can allow emotions to come, stay for a bit, and leave. All the while I can carry on. Mindfulness is a word that is thrown around from time to time so let’s dissect this a bit. If I were to feel angry at someone I could allow my emotions to take over and respond with nastiness, cruelty, yelling, etc. I could on the other hand notice I’m angry and be mindful in making a conscience decision not to act on my feelings and allow them to be there without judgement or resistance. It can be uncomfortable but really if you look at who you want to be, and what those actions will make you, it usually doesn’t add up. Think about where those actions will take you and where you will be. How will you feel later after the emotion has passed? Embarrassed or guilty? Composed and filled with inner strength? Give yourself credit for dealing with a storm inside and become the master of your emotions. We all have the power within us to be capable of greatness, goodness, and strength.

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Ask and you shall recieve an answer if nothing else.

My life has calmed so much in the last few weeks. I recently moved and now live alone in a studio apartment. It’s adorable. I’ve lived alone one other time when I was 21 but I was different then. More anxious. I couldn’t handle the time I had on my hands back then. I felt like I was watching the minutes pass like molasses in a fortress I had built to keep me safe from others. I’m 27 now and I feel like I’ve created a nest, a home, a piece of my heart. A place where I am comfortable alone and comfortable with others. I don’t feel walled off from the world. I feel connected to myself and the world alike. I believe deeply in the power of positivity. I, only a few short months ago, watched videos about the law of attraction. I began thinking about what I wanted out of life and planning and thinking positively about it. It seemed to make everything crumble around me. I thought I would end up in another cycle but through it crashing down, my life has become exactly what I had wished it to be. I feel a stillness inside of me that I had longed to achieve most of my life. I feel a quiet confidence. Assurity in myself and the world to help me create my inner dreams into reality. I had most of my life looked at everything through the lens of fear, I based all my decisions on what would go wrong and made small insignificant progress toward the life I really wanted. Now I look at everything through the lens of positivity and what could go right. My decisions now lead me to the life I want, not the life I can settle for. I felt discouraged and naive at first to believe I could have what I want. I remind myself now that there is enough good in this world, there is enough laughter and happiness, there is enough joy, there is enough peace and kindness. There is enough for me to have all that I need and more. I have every right to it as anyone else. We just have to believe we deserve the good in life, it is always there to be had.

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Unpopular

I have an appointment with my psych in 20 minutes. I’m waiting outside in my car. I’m nervous. I stopped taking medicine the last two months and have been using cbd as needed for sleep and anxiety. I feel natural but not jittery. I can’t imagine taking pills regularly again except when mandatory. I’m afraid. Afraid to be dropped. Psychiatrists have to watch their own backs and as much as they are there for you, if you don’t follow directions they won’t see you. I have been on meds for 10 years straight. I am in a good situation with my life and work and home and don’t find it to be necessary. I know I am responsible and know when I need medication but now isn’t the time for that. Now is the time for learning to ride my own waves and be true to what my body is telling me. I’m sick of choosing between physical and mental health. I’m sick of being reliant on medication to solve my moods and not relying on my inner care. I know this is unpopular opinion 101 with mental health. I also know it is true for me. I refuse to feel shame for it. I know it will always be harder for me than others to contain my emotions but sometimes you need to feel them. Life is about experiencing it not numbing it down because it’s too much for others when it’s not too much for me. When it does become too much for me I’ll reconsider. I have no problem with those who swear by their medication as it has helped me in the passed and saved my life or those who do not wish to take it and only hope for the same in return. Wish me luck.

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I am more than enough.

I have “I am enough” written on all my mirrors, for the last 9 months or so, to train my thoughts to be more positive. Today while unpacking I noticed that my brother had added to it. Means so much to me.

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Pendulum 

I feel bars on my heart

How does it start

Puzzles that don’t exist

Stay up late to solve them all

My mind becomes a prison

Reaching out is hard

So I push away 

Let the emotions eat at me in my own way

Feel this fire consuming me

Expressionless I stay

Learn to mimic

When your feelings are on overdrive

You learn to die inside

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Daybreak

What a day

Emotions astray

Loving you is easy

This distance does eat me

Longing for your touch

Off to work to say too much 

Remembering the subtle things 

Wishing you were near me

Clock is 8 first break

Sun is shining

But my stomach is intertwining

Just a hundred more sleeps

Hope you don’t forget about me

Deep breaths and meditation 

Deep talks and conversation 

Laughing til it hurts

Hurting til I laugh

Your always in my heart chakra

On days that are grey and in between

Know I won’t leave.

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Acceptance

I think one of the major challenges not only for someone with bipolar disorder but anyone in life is the fact that we judge ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts and our own opinions. It’s hard to be comfortable with who you are, even in the mess of life. To accept yourself is the ultimate self-care. To love yourself unconditionally. When you do others opinions no longer hold weight. As if you loved someone very much and cherished them if another person came along and called them garbage you wouldn’t believe it for a second, at least not based on their sole opinion. So why do we believe it when others say harsh things to us or challenge us?

We aren’t secure in ourselves. This is achievable though. It takes time and energy to cultivate self-love, like with any relationship, the one with yourself takes work. How to do it? It’s different for everyone. I personally indulge myself with the things that make me happy, these things are not usually things. I enjoy strolling through the parks or shops where I live, hiking, art, movies, baths, facial care, writing, ect. The small things that give you a lift, amplify it. Another thing I practice is positive self-talk. There is a judgmental voice in all of us, for some louder than others that asks, “why did you do that, why do you think that you are “insert mean adjective here” for being this way.” But I started consciously responding to that voice and reasoning with it, telling it why reaffirming my own decisions and simply telling myself every day multiple times a day that I am enough. I am smart enough, I am strong enough, I am brave enough, I am beautiful.  It starts consciously it has to, then it becomes a habit, then it becomes real to you. You believe it. You believe the thoughts you consistently tell yourself. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to have self-love, to not have to be filled by another person because you are already full and can give the best of yourself.

I’m currently working on being able to speak my truths, my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings. It’s hard to be challenged by others to be asked why you believe what you do and feel uneasy about how to explain it. There is a fear there. I’m working to overcome this fear to live more openly. No pain no gain as they say. It is hard but it is worth it to grow as a person. Thank you for reading.

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Not an endorsement, grain of salt

So for the last few weeks, I’ve been trying out CBD Marijuana. I live in a state that it is legal. I just go to the shop and buy some. I’m lucky to have people close to me that are knowledgable on it and give me recommendations for doses and what everything means. I’ve been going through some hard things personally on top of hypo-mania. When I’m stressed I don’t eat and don’t sleep. This is a huge red flag. I have tried smoking before throughout my life but never knew there was a difference between CBD and THC. From what I’ve been told the THC affects your mind but the CBD calms your body. Mania usually starts from not taking care of your body, eg sleeping, and eating. So when I’ve tried it before it was legal and just regular THC weed I always become very paranoid, scared, and uncomfortable. I longed to have the relaxing effect others seemed to get. The last few weeks have been life changing. I can relax and eat and sleep. I smoke at night and just take lithium now when before I had to take Klonopin, an anti-anxiety medication, and Risperadol, an antipsychotic that was ruining my life. It’s nice to find a balance with no side effects that have made me unable to maintain my work and life schedule. I use it purely as medicine for now. I don’t have an addictive personality so I can’t see myself doing it socially or at any other time during the day that I don’t need hunger and relaxation. Again I’m not saying this will cure you. Different things work for everything, but I do believe marijuana has helped many people with many things. It is a drug like any other drug I’ve taken and you have to be responsible with it. I’ve met so many people who do use it for their mental health issues as well as physical issues, there are however people I’ve met that use it as a crutch to deal with everything in life. I can say my only current crutch is cigarettes which I do use to deal with stress. Usually, I smoke cigarettes in the Spring when my stress is high but due to other big changes in my life, I am extended that into Summer. I’m also lucky to have an open relationship with my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner whom I saw just the other day and let her know. She was supportive and reassured me that whatever helps me she will support as long as it doesn’t hurt me. I am full of love today and relaxation regardless of the mess I’m currently in. Here’s to taking a moment during the battle to be free. Until next time.

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Crash

I feel it creeping in. Longer sleep and slower thoughts. Anxiety raises and overwhelms. Second guessing all my dreams. Feeling darkness calling me. No strength to fight it, I let it come and hope everything doesn’t come undone. Worry like it’s oxygen. Smiles fade then dissipate. Who you know will fade as well. Welcome to the perfect hell.

 

I’ve been feeling the crash today. Mania is fading into normalcy. The beauty in all fades into regular vision. The high is wearing off and there is a certain amount of withdrawal that comes from losing mania. It’s a sting. It’s a sadness to come to realize that the person you are in mania is a temporary version and sometimes just a downright delusion. I haven’t made any outright poor decisions if anything I’ve made a lot of good decisions that needed to be made but I didn’t have the grip to do it. It’s not that kind of crash this time. It’s feeling fake. It’s feeling like you don’t know who you really are. Am I this confident person mania makes me believe I am, or am I this anxiety ridden person depression makes me feel?

I’ve always valued honesty above anything in life. Openness and honesty. I can’t even, myself, pinpoint who I am. To be someone who values realness so much and to feel fake is torture.

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